what else is there to say when someone you thought was your friend dismisses you because you won't date them? what do you do when after 4 weeks of explaining that you love that person but not in that way they still don't get it? if a person really cares wouldn't they want you to be happy? and is falling in love as easy as just hanging out? i guess i don't remember the rules. i thought we were buddies.
i'm lost in this single world. i thought i could hang out with my guy friends without any catches. i guess i was wrong, and because of the way one feels the other two seem like hostages as his roommates. now back to long weekends at home with no one to play with. i'm so blue.
over this past month i have been trying to keep my mouth shut. trying like hell to just make it out the other end without feeling like crap, but it hasn't happened. each day i watch the news, read and hear opinions and sit silent. i stay with the facts, the fears, the hopes for an ending. i never say what i feel. how can i?
it seems that the worst thing our current political situation has done to our country is to have us turn on each other. somewhere along the line our beliefs became questioned and dissected. if people weren't with us they were against us, and i'm not talking about country, but individuals. somewhere along the line people have forgotten about shades of gray.
i lost a friend over this whole affair and to be honest it seems to me that it was the right decision. it wasn't because his beliefs contradicted my own. for goodness sake, i welcome the diversity and the opportunity to have someone to argue with....i will always contend that we each have our own reality and that's o.k. we all come from different experiences and lifestyles, we have all learned to love in our own way. we have learned to ache....we have had bad things happen to us and the ones we love and good things. each of these pieces of life have shaped us into entirely different individuals. i can't say i am more right than anyone, and i firmly believe they can't say that i am wrong. i know that we must be strong enough to bend....if we ever wish to resolve anything in this world we must be open to compromise, and we must know when not to back down. it is important to respect and honor those we agree with and those we don't as well. for me, the biggest hurt from this tragedy is the feeling that i have had to sit back and keep quiet about what i feel because friends will not agree and i can't keep going to war with people i love. all i want is to be respected enough to be heard out, but it seems that some folks would as soon die as to have a discussion where their beliefs are questioned. i think in all circumstances thus far i have been open and have listened and have taken bits and pieces from each conversation and dissolved them into my own cerebral cortex allowing my affections for certain struggles to gain importance while others filter through the cracks. finally i am ready to just write this all out. for me writing has a cathartic effect and it seems like once something is in print i can let it go. so here is what i feel. no answers or solutions, just my perceptions. they can be good, they may very well be bad, but they make sense from the starting point that is my existence. love me, hate....ignore me. i can't care anymore.
i think that the true and one good and necessary function of our government is to protect its citzens. i believe that is the one role americans have expected from its leaders since the beginning. i will admit that some of this protection leaches on civil liberties and is absolutely ridiculous, BUT in this case, where americans are being attacked i expect something to be done. plain and simple, we figure out a way to keep this sort of action from occurring. when thomas jefferson was president, americans were being sold into slavery by pirates on the seas because taxes had been scaled back so far thet there was no national protection. somewhere there is a middle ground between helpless and over-burdened with artillery and destruction-creating machines, and i expect our government to actively pursue the happy medium. i vote every election for the folks i think will best accomplish this and other tasks.
i believe that the united states is in many ways a big brother to smaller nations. it isn't always a healthy relationship, but i do take some pride in the fact that we have been there for countries unable to fend for themselves in time of need. it's a heavy situation. often we are viewed as self-serving bullies...and sometimes we are just that. i will never deny that our country has profited off the backs of others...to believe otherwise is crazy. i believe there are evil forces in this world...in our country and as well in other countries. the issue i try to press upon myself is that there are no evil organizations, only evil people. to generalize and say that america is evil or that we are all blood-thirsty nationalists is as abominable as prejudice in any other form in my mind. we have had some evil people in power, some evil corporations raping the land and people of their resources. and perhaps we need to try to be more educated about the world we live in.....in fact, that i would say is a definite. america is not evil. the principles this country was founded on are not evil. our government as a working body is not evil. in fact, the nature of our government is set-up to protect us from evil. it is the apathy that nearly 50% of our voting population feels that perpetuates an evil leadership.
and let me go back and state that i am not calling george bush evil. i won't do that. i didn't vote for the man. i wouldn't vote for him now, but i am allowing him some room to move. he is our president. it doesn't mean i am following blindly. no sir, i am following VERY closely. i want to see what's next. i want to know when to scream out loud...but i am also willing to offer praise. and i will praise bush for reiterating over and over again that we are not attacking a specific religion or country. and i will praise the humanitarian drops which i think has made this conflict much different than so many others. and you know, sometimes i wonder what it must be like to see one of these boxes in the middle of no where. and what thoughts must go through the minds of the suffering afghans. no, i don't really think bush is evil. in fact, i will even go so far as to say his heart is in the right place. sure, he is big oil...and that is a force to reckon with, but when it gets down to the thousands who lost their lives at the world trade center and the pentagon i think the man is genuinely trying to make the best decisions. i can't say i agree with everything he is doing right now, because i only get that information in neat packages from the media. i'm only seeing what is public and try as we all might we will never know what it must be like to be that man right now. i will not say i am a bush fan, but i am willing to accept his leadership for that is the democracy we live in. when i see something i disagree with i will voice my opinion in the modes i have available to me. i think that more than we know the little cries do get heard. why else would 3rd party candidates run for an office they know they will never attain....to get the word out. and leaders, no matter how stupid the public might think them to be do hear these little cries.
now for afghanistan....i really never ever wanted bombs to drop there. i'm glad that we waited so long for action to begin. the fact is that information was intercepted that showed a clear threat to america. i have no idea what that information was, because the news did not say. many can say, "well, you don't know that there was any real threat." sure, i don't know that, but it seems clear to me from all angles that we have a force to reckon with. the anthrax mail bombs. history gives us the cole, the embassies, the 2 world trade center attacks, the pentagon....i could go on. bin lauden most likely has his finger in each of these. so what are we to do? is there any real solution? probably not, but i think that getting at bin lauden is a start. the taliban knew what was coming. they knew what would happen. they are in bed with bin lauden.....plain and simple. and to the afghan people, my deepest apologies. this could never be what you had hoped for in a million years. and i hope that our government is sticking to their word and going for targets associated with the al quaeda network. my hope is that something good comes from this struggle. that the afghan people can take back their country. that the afghan women can lead whatever life they choose. that education will be available for each and every citizen if they desire. i hope. i don't know how this can be achieved, but i will say that if our military installments in some way achieve this gain for these people i am for it. i don't want to see anyone die...or countrysides pulled apart. gosh, if anyone ever thought that about me they are so nuts. i think, however, that sometimes we really do need to look at the bigger picture. it's easy to say or believe that no life should be lost in vain. the flip side to that is that lives are being lost every day, but to what gain? if something we do could help put an end to the suffering there would people support it? i just don't know.
so here i sit. contemplating. it's impossible for me to come to any conclusions about what is right or wrong. i think my greatest gift is to be open. to hear. to appreciate. i have tried to do that from the beginning. i ask each american to do the same. if you disagree, smile, hug, and love the differences. the most discouraging aspect of this conflict for me is the absoluteness of so many.....please, listen to your brothers and sisters. don't write them off as this way or that. don't assume you know there heart. respect them. understand that each of us only has a portion of the details. and that we are each getting our information from different resources. don't hate each other or feel threatened for what you feel. don't dismiss a friend because you don't want to hear what they are saying then expect them to forgive you when you apologe, for as a friend perhaps you should be listening a little bit better. open up your minds, your hearts. the biggest gain we will see out of this conflict will come from a greater understanding. if we shut those doors here at home then how can we open them for the rest of the world.
yes, the past month has been strange for me. i have feared and been saddened. i've been conflicted within myself. i have taken comfort in my family where my opinions and beliefs have always been cherished and discussed. i have listened as my mother expressed her concerns. i told her about the treatment of afghan women. she wasn't aware of it. check 1....i spread the word. she listened. she processed, she made it part of her knowledge. i spoke with my granny who told me that muslims didn't believe in god that they believe in allah. i forgave her because she is older and has less access to the world. i explained to her that the muslims also had another word for bread, but it didn't mean they weren't the same thing.....and that the muslim faith is actually a very peaceful faith. i talked to her about religious extremists. she stopped, she thought, she processed. check 2. i picked up some pen pals from places like ghana and nepal and iran. i thought it was time for me to learn more. check 3. my next step is to pick up some world and religious history books to read. i talk a lot with my friend shantanu. he tells me to be strong and not to let people discourage me...that my actions will have a ripple effect and that by educating others i am doing the best thing i can. small steps. i can't say i disagree with the american military action in afghanistan. i can't say i agree with it. and as you can see i have very little cohesiveness in what i do feel. the fact remains that i feel the best thing we can do as americans...or canadians....or whoever is to open our hearts and our minds....admit the confusion.....admit the fear and try to conquer those together.
and the last thing i would like to point out....because it seems to me that so many are so quick to judge....realize that freedom of speech didn't come free....nothing EVER does.
"now that she's back in the atmosphere i'm afraid that she might think of me as plain ol' jane told a story about a man who is too afraid to fly so he never did land"
my thoughts and best wishes go out to mark vann, his family, and the whole LOS crew at this time. i would ask that everyone take one minute out of their day today to send a healing vibe to mark as he begins his chemo treatment. thanks!
