tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow time ticks past, sifting sands, seconds fly fast
depicting life in a grown-up setting not knowing truly where i'll be getting perusing my options weighing each goal where it all leads time only shows
desiring the knowledge experience yields searching for answers already revealed peace of mind stems from within loving oneself and loving one's friends
seek no further than your heart's direction add your mind to complete the succession push past the rubbish you see day to day remember respect and you're on your way.
a retrospective. i wrote this little piece on a smoke break in 98...seems like i was in a similar frame of mind as i am now. i wouldn't call it good, just typical.
i'm afraid of a lot of things these days. that i'll never be married. that i'll never have a real home. that my life will be meaningless and no one will remember me when i'm gone. i seem to live in memories. ultimate changes result in major fears. i worry that my convictions are in fact a character flaw. and it's hard not to feel like i'm running from something, though i couldn't name it.
it isn't a sad time or a lonely time. it's just time. and a circle is closing on the opening of this portion of my life. i've reached the numb phase of the cycle. it seems when i rev up for a major change i become more withdrawn and more reflective. the numbness subsides eventually and i'm back to part one of what will be the next step.
"i'm just sitting here watching the wheels go round and round"
during these periods of introspection i think of how lucky my draw has been in regards to friends. there are folks i have been fortunate enough to know and love...and perhaps i don't fully deserve their affections. i know i could never do enough to feel even with them for their kind graces. incredible folks.
"keep smiling, keep shining knowing you can always count on me, for sure that's what friends are for"
i'm anxious to start a new future. to know more about myself. you know...my likes and dislikes. and i'm curious to see if this is the ultimate step. the one that pulls everything together. the new and improved me.
"and what i'm trying to say is that nobody ever had a rainbow baby until he had the rain
and tomorrow's gonna be a brighter day there's gonna be some changes tomorrow's gonna be a brighter day this time you can believe me no more cryin' in your lonely room and no more empty nights 'cause tomorrow mornin' everything will turn out right."
i leave tomorrow for a family trip home. i'll probably be back for an update monday.
"so kiss me and smile for me, tell me that you'll wait for me...babe, i hate to go i'm leaving on a jet plane..."
i'd be lying if i didn't admit i'm flattered to be the site of the day at jon's site. the fact that anyone comes here amazes me. i can be a real bore.
tomorrow i head to denver to hang with butler before boarding a plane friday morning. i've flown on only 3 trips in my life. to charlotte, nc for work coming out of louisville. to portland out of indy to visit friends and see the great northwest, and to minnesota to find a new home...also out of indy. all 3 flights were within the same 3 months. it's funny how that worked out. so now i'm trying to think about all the things i need to do before leaving town. and yet i'm doing none of them. it's the typical falter. i groan, i procrastinate, i run around like a chicken with my head cut off.
i'm a bit nauseated about this trip. it came on yesterday when i remembered that my cousin who is getting married was also a classmate and yes, there is a possibility of seeing folks i haven't seen in 9 years. it would seem likely that there should be at least a couple of familiar faces other than family. and a part of me is sad that the little time we'll share will be covering the pitiful details. i think it would be much nicer to touch on current affairs or spiritual beliefs, but i've been gone long enough to know the drill.
them: when are you getting married? me: no time soon. them: where is it that you live now? me: ft. collins, colorado. them: what do you do there? me: hike, look at pretty scenery. them: no, what type of work? me: oh, tech support. them: oooh. what did you graduate with? me: law and society and psychology double major. them: what? me: it's like a criminal justice degree only with a broader focus in social structure and psychology is psychology. pretty useless either way. them: oh. me: well, it was nice seeing you.
i do like these folks. i really do. it's just i wish i could have a real conversation with them. the formailty of meeting after a long absence leaves me feeling like a broken record.
four years, a few false steps, and a missing nose guard later......i finally got new glasses last night! for the past 2 weeks headaches have plagued my days. i have been wearing my specs at home, but not in the office because they sat on my face crooked and were flaking metallic paint. yesterday around 4pm i decided enough was enough and headed to a one hour optical.
i remembered that sometimes you do pay for service when i sat in the exam chair for 30 minutes without magazine or acknowledgement. then i was reminded of mistakes when the doctor apologized stating she didn't even know i was there. she was kind and friendly and answered my questions. i have 20/70 vision. i asked what that really meant. i've never been told. it means if i saw something well 20 feet away from it another person with 20/20 vision could see it from 70 feet away. pretty incredible if you ask me.
last night i noted the lift of weight from my brow. my face felt lighter on top...and i knew then that i had been straining for some time. it feels good to be back to 20/20.
i'm the victim of prejudice. don't lie to me, i see you snarl your noses when i drive up. peering down at me with a look of distaste. snickering behind me when i had my "ignore the environment, it will go away" sticker. you're smug. you're right, you think...you know my type. i'm one of those hypocritical tree huggers mashing down the trees in my way while guzzling down more than my share of a precious resource, right? well, think again.
i've been doing my research. i can feel the cold glares. i notice the tinge of dislike in the voice who says, "oh, the suv?" when i point to my car. you're judging me by my car. you're taking the breadth of grand statements about a particular class of car and applying it across the board. i have to say i'm ashamed of some of you.
i drive an suv. and i'm tired of defending myself. tired of dodging the stares. for 6 years of my life i did the little car. first a camero....nothing souped up, just a plain jane pitiful example of a powerhouse car. it screamed "redneck" and the graphics on the sides made me a prime target for the corydon girls who were going to "kick my ass". it was a good little car and it got good mileage. and to be honest there is a soft spot in my heart for it. but you grow up into something different when you leave for college. and it just didn't have a lifespan i could reckon on. it was an 84 and that was 93. so i sold it and bought something more "reliable". reliable if i was looking to pick up dudes that is. i walked away from a lot with a 91 mercury capri convertible. the only car in its class with a backseat...not that it was much of a seat, but it did technically exist i suppose. that car was in my life for about 4 years before it started falling apart. i had excellent mileage but for some reason replacing an alternator was a catastrophe, the window ripped, and this cute little car with ford all over the inside was considered an import...a fact not relayed to me at the ford dealership i purchased it from. after paying $180 on discount for specialty spark plug wires i knew i was in too deep. and when the $400 rear brake job hit my final year at purdue i had to say enough is enough. my friend did the work and only charged me $40 in labor so parts were excessive. and his words to me were as such..."start looking for a new car."
so i did. and i knew 2 things. i had a dog and i wanted to move to the mountains. i was in the market for 4 wheel drive and a little more space. after all i had done the sporty thing and it just wasn't easy to pack a tent and 4 friends into the capri. i was lucky to get a single person in the back and it made for a very uncomfortable trip.
at the time i delivered pizza with a friend who had a cherokee laredo. i loved its boxiness. it wasn't a mammoth. it wasn't contoured. it was lunky...and i felt a kinship to the style not being a fan of the aerodynamic styles we have today. so one day i took sam, my roommate, out to test drive some vehicles and well, i fell in love. i ended up buying the car i have now. a 91 jeep cherokee laredo. it's forest green with fading paint on the hood. it has 165,000 miles on it. it's been in 10 states and it loves me. there's room for 2 to sleep in the back...and my bike can fit as well. i take my friends camping....and my friends and i take the dogs. and most importantly i get 25 mpg.
now i know that isn't the 35 mpg that some of these little cars get, but i also know that many cars on the road don't even get that. my co-worker drives a family type auto. small sized little car and it only gets 18 mpg. my guess is that is probably about average. so i beg of the masses to think before you snarl your nose. and beware, because if i catch you doing it i have something to prove and i just might embarass you by asking how many miles per gallon your little car gets. you may be very surprised.
now don't get me wrong. i think these huge explorers driven by soccer moms are a joke, but let's remember that all things, even suvs, are not created equal. thank you, jeep, for my little compact cherokee. it's the last car i will ever want.
i saw my first live black widow spider yesterday. it wasn't at a zoo or in a display. it was in my backyard burrowing in our smoker. it's hourglass underside peered up at us warning of the danger. my hair stood on end.
