i don't remember blogging drunk in the past...but i'm fairly wasted now...thank you free shot at the bar tonight. musical selection for the evening: bonnie raitt and john prine "angel from montgomery".
and while you are at it pick up prine's "illegal smile" and "spanish pipedream". and maybe then onto arlo guthrie. but i must suggest you get mermaid avenue, billy bragg and wilco. the whole album is great, but i recommend "way over yonder in the minor key", "unwelcome guest", and "hesitating beauty" the most. enjoy....please someone take my musical advice. i guarantee much happiness. if you are not 100% satisfied you can give me hell for the rest of my life. gracias!
silently if,out of not knowable night's utmost nothing,wanders a little guess (only which is this world)more my life does not leap than with the mystery of your smile
sing or if(spiralling as luminous they climb oblivion)voices who are dreans, less into heaven certainly earth swims than each my deeper death becomes your kiss
losing through you what seemed myself,i find selves unimaginably mine;beyond srrow's own joys and hoping's very fears
your is the light by which my spirit's born: your is the darkness of my sould's return -you are my sun,my moon, and all my stars
i'm sitting at work alone. it has been raining and is cool. upstairs i hear 9 little girls running. this is one of the reasons i enjoy my job.
our office sits in the basement of my employer's home. it isn't makeshift or simple or unorganized. the kids stay upstairs mostly. we are cut-off pretty much from the family, but nearly every afternoon around 3pm you here the sound of little feet running around above. sometimes you here the dog scampering after hoping for the attention she missed during the day time hours. it's soothing.
tonight must be a slumber party because there are more feet scampering....and my boss left early to tend the group. her daughter has started a book club with her classmates. i sit and think how wonderful that idea is....and i hope they enjoy their time and take something new and profound from each visit.
having a family over the office is interesting. we can let the dog out of the fenced yard when we take our breaks. and we got to see the winning science project this year which featured that same dog who we have grown to love. and when we have a personal need like sinus medication or aspirin it's likely just a trip up the stairs away.
there are flowers and bushes and trees planted. we can see the foothills beyond the swingset. and we're far enough off of the county road that traffic is non-existent. only peace. and the sound of little feet having more fun than i can even remember.
yeah-rah! it appears that blogger is publishing again. however i have had no ability to archive since i opened this new site. oh well. one day.
i've been too cynical lately and i apologize...to everyone who knew and those who didn't. i lost faith in my friends. i expected the worst. the thing is, yes, some of the people i expected to be at my back weren't, but new faces appeared from behind. it's funny how moving to a new place works. i came here with friendships already in place. and i expected they would be comforting and loving and fun...and i do love these people. i love them a lot. the probelm is that they have an entirely different view of how things should be in their friendship group. i prefer an open group...acceptance of anyone who hasn't done anything wrong. and in the past that has been the motive of everyone we knew...complete tolerance for most behavior as long as it didn't screw someone over. sadly enough there have been incidents. i haven't been involoved in these, but i hear about them...and these incidents have caused my old friends to shut themselves off to our old crowd and any new friend prospects. well, i see their point i suppose...and i respect it, but i just don't work that way. i can't have that kind of friend disposal lurking in my life.
so, i love them, but i do my own thing. and my thing involves meeting new people. yesterday was my birthday, and i didn't expect it to be good. but at noon my boss took me and a co-worker out for mexican food. and when i got home there was a gift certificate from my co-workers for a one hour massage! and i got a couple of gorgeous new plants and cards in the mail and cards on the computer...and calls! i even got a call from pat c. who is a friend of a co-qorker who i have grown to like very easily. i was so touched that he made the effort to call me at work to wish me a happy birthday!
and i have all of these wonderful cyber-people in my life who sent me birthday greetings! thanks to rick, john, addie, and sherry for their kind words and wishes! i am fortunate to have you all in my life.
and how on earth could i not link to a girl who will admit she likes wrestling! in grade school the cwa wrestling circuit came to my county's high school. dad took me as a birthday present. it was on saturday mornings after cartoons. i have an aunt who was adopted who had a few problems caring for herself and stayed in a girl's home a couple of hours away when she was in her 20s. sort of an assisted living program that taught young women how to live independently, but also made sure they were taking care of business....anyway, she loved wrestling...and i adored her. she used to visit my family for long weekends. she was a compulsive liar and told me she dated bill dundee and knew jerry lawler and i believed it. i don't remember my parents telling me the truth...but i also don't remember questioning it. i can't recall if she ever said it in their presence. i don't even think i ever really did believe it in my head because i don't recall bragging about it to friends.....and well, you know..."my aunt knows jerry lawler". but i believed it in my heart. that was good enough. but because of her i watched wrestling for several years in my childhood. i would go with my dad and some girlfriends and cheer. and chase them for autographs...and once i touched one of them. i believe he was one of the replacements for the fabulous ones, sort of the stand in replicas that are around only until the originals come back from vacation, or because they're broke or because they love the game or the fame or the fun. these guys were sort of like your coy and vance duke. never quite up to the bo and luke standard if you get my drift. i feel like i should be winking here.
no man,if men are gods;but if gods must be men,the sometimes only man is this (most common,for each anguish is his grief; and,for his joy is more than joy,most rare)
a friend,if fiends speak truth;if angels burn
by their own generous completely light, an angel;or(as various worlds he'll spurn rather than fail immeasurable fate) coward,clown,traitor,idiot,dreamer,beast-
such was a poet and shall be and is
-who'll solve the depths of horror to defend a sunbeam's architecture with his life: and carve immortal jungles of despair to hold a mountain's heartbeat in his hand
first off, thanks to those of you who sent me sweet e-mails about my previous post. i apologize if i had anyone worried. i'm actually a strong person, who knows she can be interesting...but feels that she has gotten in a rut that doesn't allow interestingness to enter her life. that's about the best way to sum it up.
i've been thinking and i've decided that i have to do a few things in my life to eliminate the sadness. number 1...i expect nothing from anyone. it may be all they have to give. if someone surprises me with a kind gesture i will relish it and love it and live in that moment with them. number 2....i refuse to feel burdened by expectations of others. if i can't or don't want to...well, then i won't. it seems really simple. this way no one gets hurt.
my day has been rather quiet. after a huge ordeal over forms with one of our clients i welcome the silence. i feel bad for our clients because i really had to send them to someone else. that isn't the most pleasant feeling, but we support software, not the printer, the network connections, not the modems. we help with many questions pertaining to these things because we are more accessible than your regular tech support folks, but in the end if our client doesn't know how to set top of form on their dot matrix i can't show them. to be honest, i don't remember if i have ever used a dot matrix. thank goodness for small miracles.
today started off cloudy...well, it was actually like we were sitting in a cloud when i woke up, but the fog has cleared and the sun did finally come out this afternoon. mike and i took our break outdoors and finished a conversation we had began last thursday. i explained to him then that i felt that most primates were better parents than humans. to which he responded that their stake in survival depended on it. today in a discussion across the desk with lavonne we took to a similar topic...parenting in the city vs. parenting in the country. the wheels in my head started igniting making different connections...it's a scary thing really, especially since this happens alot. nothing is purely coincidental (ask owen meany). so when mike and i went out i asked him if he thought perhaps humans looked after the safety of their children more when man first walked on earth because the species survival really depended on it...and now we are so over-populous that that drive has weakened. it was plausible he thought.
and now, here's a little fact about me. my mind works faster than my mouth. often i merge a word early in my sentence with a word later in the sentence, skipping words in the middle. it makes me look silly, like i stutter, but i know the truth.
i'm just not interesting. i do very little. i have a few friends, and a lot of people that i somewhat trust, but not entirely. i get bitchy. i get sad because i'm bitchy. i try to do the right thing, but i'm never quite sure what that is. i miss my old life. i wish i could still dance for hours on end without a backache. i wonder if i'll ever be doing something for a living that does not involve sitting on by backside all day. i fear i will rent forever...that my credit will never be repaired. that i will never feel comfortable enough to have children...yet, i fear having children. i'm where i want to be, but i'm not enjoying it as much as i thought. it's the people more than the place. i love colorado......i miss comfort. a beer, a close friend....some music. blind melon video anyone? can i perhaps interest you in some abbey? my whims are too me here. you can't just whip out the trusty letters from a porcupine for anyone. hi john! when will you be visiting?
