i got some photos e-mailed to me today from greg. these were taken last summer at blackhawk farms. we spent the weekend and caught shows by dark star orchestra, deep banana blackout, the big wu, leftover salmon, and rollin' in the hay. it was a solid weekend of good music and an incredibly kind crowd. i recommend hitting the raceway if your in south beloit, illinois next july.
skye and i relax in the back of my truck.
carrie, skye, meyer, brad, myself, and carrie's friend from iu relax at the picnic table between acts.
brad, meyer, carrie, and her friend get some nourishment.
just some dancin' hippies.
and some more of 'em...plus a few of the same ones.
it's always nice to figure out that that super-duper long post you made on the 27th of january had a messed up tag in it and half of what you typed up to share is not showing. if you're bored, please check it out, there's some good reading in there.
if you haven't already seen john's new layout, go on over and say "howdy".
have i told you how much i hate driving in the snow? this morning is incredibly white and the slick stuff is still falling...hard. brad left for work...45 minutes away and then i got the call that he didn't have to work today. i hope he makes it home o.k.. as for me...the weather doesn't affect whether or not i have to go. don't you wish the working class got snow days? i do.
i'm broke until the 20th. broke meaning i have $6. i suppose that brad will lend me cash until then, but still. i feel like i've lost some control over my destiny. living frugal isn't terrible, however. what is terrible is letting something as ridiculous as money control my fate.
my tires are bald on my car and i suppose it will snow tonight or tomorrow i hear...possibly through the next three days. i'll manage. but i assure you there will be mad fingernail marks on my steering wheel. i find it humourous to think of an accident. most of my bodily harm will come from being pelted by every bit of trash and other junk piled in my filthy car. i'll come out of the wreckage with cigarrette butts and dust caked on my wounds. what a horrific sight. hehehe....
i just kicked an old friend out of my home. no matter how i rationalize it i just can never find a solution in situations such as these that make me feel good. it was the right thing for so many reasons...but also the wrong for just as many. for me, it was the only decision...i can live with that.
our bills are mounting, and i fear i may blow the engine on my car if i don't get it to the shop for what could be a pricey repair. but...i really don't know what the car problem is....other than the fact that i still have a year and then some in payments and this is the umpteenth time i've had problems with it. but it has a lot of miles....and a lot of charm. and i think i'll repair it....again and again and again. and the tax checks i will be getting will be helpful in resolving mechanical difficulties. so i can survive.
this is one of those down points in my life. most people can recall a time of change...those little sacrifices and shifts that come into our lives as a result of a major change can seem overbearing...but there's always light at the end of the tunnel. it's always an upward climb. you make do and as time progresses you approach a clearing. these are the days you'll tell your kids about, right?
i have a problem with a client at work. i'm not entirely sure where it started. they are a new client and they have only been with us a month. initially we were ecstatic about them coming aboard. they were energetic and competent it seemed. conversations prior to install were friendly and most importantly...they seemed to get it. they seemed to understand what we were telling them.
since they came live in early january few days have passed without a call. they are impatient...and incredibly rude. when they implemented our software they also implemented new hardware and a new phone system that works with their outlook. i'm sure it's a fancy set-up. the last thing in was the phone system. since it came in in mid-january two of their computers have developed memory leaks and that can affect our software. not to mention that the phone guys messed up a bunch of the configurations and the hardware guys have trekked to the office several times a week to make changes and fixes. we get a lot of screeching in our office. we have to call the hardware guys for them because they "don't have time." they ask for help...but they won't listen. we ask if they've done something...they haven't...or they have, whichever suits the occasion. worst of all they're rude. i can't figure out for the life of me what it is that i did, but our main contact there despises me. she'll call and ask for the other two techs and then our owner before she'll talk to me. even when i answer the phone. and i swear she disguises her voice when i answer. it's almost surreal, i can tell it's her. today i got another call but no one was in yet but myself and another lady who doesn't really handle tech issues. after she went through all of the other names i offered to walk her through it (once i got her name out of her aand the problem)..."all right, walk me through." i asked if this was a template issue, meaning was it across the board or a single instance. she wanted to remove an appointment time block. "all" she replied. so i started taking her in to the templates. "no, no, no" (not a surprise since she once interrupted me with "listen"). so i took her out and asked her to right click on the hold to get a menu where she can delete the block. "click where?" i told her to click in the top box of the hold. if it ran from eight a.m. then go there. "i blocked it for the whole day." so i said to click at eight then. "it says multiple." i explained that that meant she had two items scheduled in that time slot and she would have to select which one to delete. she would need to highlight the one she wanted to choose. "then click cancel?" no, i told her...click ok after you have chosen the item to delete. "that didn't work." what happened. "never mind i figured it out myself." click. i almost started crying. it's hard for me taking this job. i feel like i can do it...and i feel like i'm progressing. i have been told by my boss that i don't have to take this lady's calls. she is rude to another co-worker as well, but not nearly as snotty as she is with me. at some point her opinion of me faded. and i have zero idea when. i've done several things to fix their problems and i have never told them anything incorrect. so i'm left to ponder the situation. and although i can handle all the inconveniences in my life i have an impossible time coping with someone's judgement of me. when someone calls me for help i don't expect to be belittled and disrespected. and i don't expect to be a hero either...but it would be beneficial to us both if we could be civil acquaintances...who knows? maybe even friends. be kind to your tech support call takers. we're people, too.
cam. he was a student at purdue. when i was doing my time with ron i had an environmental poly sci class. my original intention was to minor in poly sci, but i ended up getting a double major instead (and neither was poly sci). this was my first and only poly sci class. it had nothing to do with a dislike for poly sci...i loved that class. but perhaps that was the beginning of the end of things between myself and ron.
when i first went in for class we were told to find a seat and make it our own for the semester. a short-haired blonde with chops like elvis occupied the seat next to mine. i was shy at first, but he opened the gate by asking me about an assignment. i had a lot riding on this semester. i had been discarded by purdue university twice while trying to work full time and earn a spot in their pharmacy program. only by agreeing to take testing to determine my abilities and by following the lead determined by said testing was i allowed to enroll again. for someone to ask my advice and opinions....well, it was a feeling i hadn't felt in awhile. and i enjoyed it. cam asked for my number and began calling when he had a question about an assignment. this was not acceptable to ron...but i really didn't care. for 2 years he had told me who i could hang out with and who i had to take a pass on. yes, i'm strong enough to pick my own friends, but the arguing and constant comments on "how i should behave" just didn't seem worth it. for some reason, cam did.
after that semester cam faded into the sea of faces on campus. i went on with my life. the same old boring things day after day really. i have referrred to it in past posts as "the dark ages", and i don't think that analogy is completely ill-founded. i was back in school and repairing my gpa with a vengeance. liberal arts really was more my speed and i managed to make semester's honors repeatedly. i felt doors opening for me, but there was something missing. then came a new semester. the sememster of the prozac professor. i had a social problems course in matthews and as i waited for the previous class to let out i spied a familiar face in the group. it was cam. a new semester and an old friend. we sat together 3 days a week for 50 minutes and remarked on our matching cords. we got dirty looks from the professor. we couldn't deny our friendship...our compatibility.
that spring ron and i broke up...and on one occasion i met up with cam and his roommate butler and we did a little bar-hopping. it turned out cam lived with a co-worker and butler had actually been in my apartment building the year before...."you were the one who was always reading by the pool," he remarked when i walked in their door. butler's roommate at the time had just got a miniature pinscher and when i had a day off from class or work i usually spent it by the pool. eventually the puppy would be running circles and i couldn't resist. casually i had become acquainted with the neighbors upstairs.
that summer butler and i made a trek to chicago for my first further show. we had a great time really....and butler soon became a fast friend. when school began again and cam returned for courses we spent the final days before classes hanging in my studio apartment with some of the boys....smoking and listening to the dead. i was so happy to see cam. we had so little time to get acquainted, but there was definitely a connection. and i don't mean a romantic connection. cam was my boy. he and i could talk and laugh about anything. he was a profound socialist. i was a literary geek. we could talk forever. he made me laugh. he was getting his degree in poly sci that year. we spent a few nights studying together at my place...even more nights at the brew pub...and many wednesdays after pint night butler, cam and i would watch a little 90210...they taped it while we were out. they both graduated that december and i didn't see them anymore. so, like all friendships before when you're in college...you keep in touch, but you fill the void.
it wasn't until i had left the confines of purdue university that i began to hear from butler. he was lonely in his new position and i understood. he would phone on his company funded cell phone and we would talk for hours. eventually i made a call to cam the man and the rest is history. while i was living in indy cam returned to purdue (a mere hour away) to get a teaching certificate. he was substituting at high schools in his county and saw a way to help spread an alternative vision. i admired him and couldn't wait to see him. i drove to purdue for the first football game and was able to meet his parents. that was only the beginning of my saturdays. throughout football season that year i trekked to lafayette for the games. everyone else had tickets...cam and i didn't. typically we would use the tailgator (a gas powered blender that starts like a lawnmower) to make frozen drinks and then everyone else would leave. cam and i would cheer from the comfort of their couch...goofing the whole time. many times the gang would opt out of their stadium seats and enjoy the game with us. at night we usually found something to do. cam and i would go out alone mostly. he always joked that he was more approachable if he took a girl out with him. sad thing is...there weren't many girls in the places we went that i thought were worthy of his company..so i was happy to fill in. we always joked. there was a particularly funny impaired time....we went to the hotspot for the greeks on campus...and i almost yakked on the bar. not because i was drunk, simply because the fungus funk had set in. cam waved to a guy in the back of the bar...."hey, who were you waving at?" "this guy chris i know from home." i got a good look and insisted that this was the guy who had turned in my friends for a felony marijuana crime to save his own butt. he wore a wire. cam wasn't convinced...he knew this guy. the guy sat on my side of the booth. there was a fellow between us. he looked at me and said i looked familiar. i was quiet, but eventually i felt brave and i tapped him on the shoulder...."i know how you know me...i'm friends with girl's name, girl's name, and girl's name. he looked dumb-founded. that was a funny time. cam got the low-down and i seriously doubt he ever talked to mr. chris again.
there's a little place called labamba's in lafayette. it's a mexican chain in the midwest, tyically on or near college campuses. they're open late and after the bars there is usually a line....and often a couple of fights. i usually managed to have someone pushed into me or to find the table with blood smeared across it. so many times cam would beg me, "shhh...you're going to get me into a fight." he was never too concerned. i could take care of myself. the last time we went to labamba' s there were two tables having an incredibly messy food fight. sure, maybe it's fun, but i happen to look at things from the food server perspective having performed this function for so many years. "hey, that's real mature. you know someone has to clean that up." a guy got in my face and came back with, "yeah, and i bet you're pro-choice, too." republican logic...sheesh. we laughed about that one for days. i am so glad that my compassion for people directly reflects my views on abortion...and most likely anything else.
now, it's been over a year since i've seen cam. we haven't played frisbee in the street. or sat on the couch and smoked. he hasn't had me quoting poetry to him. and i rarely ever have a good political conversation. we don't question our paths together...we haven't been able to talk about how we're going to stick to the right way instead of assimilating. i miss him.
cam is planning a move to maryland...and i wish him luck and love...i only ask, cameron, that you remember me...and know that in my mind you are one of the best friends i could ever have. i love you.
friends often come and go. i've realized it, and sometimes it's best to just remember the things you had to talk about back then. on rare occasions there are those who inspire you...who make it worth your while to hold on to what you have....because you know in some cases that growth is encouraged, whatever the direction. and mutual respect is the glue that binds you together.
